It's A Dark, Dizzy Merry-Go-Round

Always

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 05:44:50 GMT

You can break her down
With your highs and lows
But she's familiar with the sound
The sound you make, every time you go

Always
Always she waits for you
Always
Always she waits for you

This holiday she's alone
She leaves the lights on the tree
And though the New Year has come
Every night, they'll stay on for you to see

Always
Always she waits for you
Always
Always she waits for you
Always

Always
Always she waits for you
Always
Always she waits for you
Always

You've been away too long
But she will choose to believe
And her heart is so strong
It's strong enough, if only it could see

Always
Always she waits for you
Always
Always she waits for you
Always

Always
Always she waits for you
Always
Always she waits for you
Always

Every day she waits
And instead you walk away

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 02:35:34 GMT

So...
stopping by...

Life goes on, as Ian would say.

I have a different livejournal and I don't really use this one much anymore except for a great life reference about dumb shit I have done in the past.

I guess my big news is that last week I was told I was allergic to gluten, dairy, and high fructose corn syrup. Who would ever think that there would be a day I didn't eat bread, cheese, and coke? But the no caffeine migraines have passed, and I actually feel a hell of a lot better than I ever have before.

I think I will at least try to start writing in here more often. It seems like a good place to be.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:51:23 GMT

I really do mean to write here. It just gets away from me a lot.

Like six months a lot.

Tue, 13 May 2008 02:25:33 GMT

So I haven't been here in a LONG time. Guess I've just been doing different things. Though...for a standard update on my life. I'm moving back to Tacoma sometime before June 1st. I need to quit my job, but not until I find a new one. Susan had her baby, Sharon is past her due zone, or whatever she had instead of a due date. I renewed my overdue library books. I think the Twilight books are really not that great. The end. For now.

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:18:13 GMT

Hey look! A livejournal!

I should bother with this once in awhile.

*bounce*

Today's Nightmare

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 05:46:21 GMT

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004082645_webmissing19m.html

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 05:42:45 GMT

Customer is wearing black fleecy jacket with cranium game logo in the corner. What Maureen is wearing is not important.

Maureen (sarcastically): So since you have a cranium jacket did you invent cranium?
Customer: Yes, yes I did.
Maureen: Seriously?
Customer: Seriously.

So much for being obnoxious. I always get my ass handed back to me when someone really did invent Cranium.

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 01:50:39 GMT

You gotta admit, life is FUCKED UP when out of me and my friends, I'm the sane one sans issues...

Sheesh.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 03:12:24 GMT

So...I haven't been here in awhile. Sorry to everyone who was actually hoping I would be around. Life has sort of changed all around on me, which i guess is okay, though I'm still a little sore and beat up and licking my wounds, so to speak. Dane and I are back together, as most people might have noticed by now. For almost two months, bringing us to almost ten months, which is almost, scarily, a year. Weird. Who would've thought, eh? But it's good, and we're happy. Now if everyone else could just get on board and let us be happy together, that would just be icing on the cake. Or something.

He even went to the Jane Austen movie with me today. Come on ya'll, that's a step for a man.

Anyway - I don't really want to say a lot. Just updating cause I felt like I should. Am however, extremely tired today, planning on falling into bed shortly. Even though it's only 810.

Yeah. Go Mo.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 05:12:57 GMT

Well, it seems like after all this time, I finally have a plan.
Hooray!

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 05:48:45 GMT

I have all this wonderful positive energy flowing out of me. Yesterday was sunny and I got to hear the band play.

Last night I had a peculiar half fight with Dane that exhausted both of us that pushed each other for hours, but only minutes at a time. He called me at four am and we fought even harder, bust mostly I think because I was half asleep. I woke up this morning certain it was completely over, but somehow, now, I feel closer to him than ever. Maybe life is getting back on track afterwards. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, but for now, things are good. Very good. I would like very much to be in Tacoma tonight, and I thought that was a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself utter.

This happy feeling inside of me has come out of nowhere. I've been waking up smiling and ready the past week or so. I don't understand, but I think I'm finally just breaking with the parts of me that hurt or hold me back. Finally just letting go of past problems and moving forward onto something great. I have felt more like myself in the past week than I have in years, and its refreshing to know that my soul wasn't completely killed off, it was just laying dormant for a few years. I feel back on track. And happy.

Really, really happy.
Things are starting to make sense, starting to come together, and this weird energy is flowing all over the place. It's absolutely crazy. It's warm and yellow (I think it's yellow) and something inside of me is stirring and won't stop! It's absolutely crazy, and I love it. I haven't felt this in tune with myself and something bigger than me in years, before things started to block me off, and now i just feel open again and it's kind of an amazing feeling.

I don't know how to describe it. I feel like I could do anything right about now, and it would work out. I want to go jump in the ocean tomorrow and notice what the freezing cold water feels like again. I hope it lasts!

I have so much to do!

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 03:34:48 GMT

The past few days have been really crazy. I just want to write about today though. Yesterday is still a little too close to my self to put out their into cyberspace quite yet.

Today I got to go rock the IMB show at Cascade Park with my big sister! I got to sell merch for the band, and they did awesome! Really awesome.

Ian played Love Me Blue, which I haven't heard since my birthday party, and it made me happy somewhere in my soul. It seems like such a long time ago. Mark came over and talked to me during the break and he pulled something out of my hair (which is all gone now, by the way, I cut it all off) and I realized mark is still pretty damn hot.

And then he told me after the show that I hurt his feelings when apparently fell from his good graces. When? In October when I finally gave up on waiting for him? And then he told me that I never talked to him anymore because I had all these dark secret boyfriends and corner booths and he missed me. Then he told me I should dump all my crappy boyfriends (all of them?) and get one good one. I told him that I was looking for one good one, and he looked me straight in the eye and reassured me they were out there. I don't know what he was implying or if he was just being meaningful and supportive, but it was sweet just the same. Then he gave me a hug and I told him I felt like he was going to pick me up off the ground, and he said he always wanted to, but that would be forward.

And then Ian gave me a hug and he smelled like boy. It was pretty dreamy. It was a good hug. Then he did his James Brown imitation and sang Sex Machine, which was a little weird. He had the sunglasses on that are known to make girls weak in the knees. I love him too. I'm excited to go down to Jazzbones in Tacoma next week and see them play. It'll be pretty awesome.

Charmaine and I then went to Taco Del Mar, and she paid for lunch, and then we walked over to Westlake and shopped for a bit, came home, and then I read for the remainder of the late afternoon until it was time for dinner, for which I had raw cookie dough and some grapes. It was awesome.

Dane's having a birthday party tonight. I love him, but it still hurts that he told me I wouldn't have fun there. It hurt quite a bit, when he says that he wants to work things out between us, but he still doesn't seem to want to include me in his life. It hurts a lot, actually. I just don't understand how you say you love someone but you don't want them to share in any of the great, fun, important and meaningful parts of your life. It makes me really sad. A little heartbroken, though I should be over it.

Oh well.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 07:35:52 GMT

life seems to be looking up.

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 18:51:08 GMT

well, if this ain't the most fabulous week of my life, I don't know what is.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 21:22:08 GMT

Would I have done what if I did if it I knew it was going to cause so much pain all around? Truly, I probably would have. Because I wanted to. I didn't want to hurt one, but I wanted to know. Is it my fault for wanting? Should he be so hurt over something that ended what feels like a lifetime ago?

Jesus. I can't live through yesterday again today.

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 18:40:20 GMT

Went to the island for a few days last weekend to see Joe, and to see what's up with that. We played with coat hangers to detect our auras (and Benny's aura) and checked the direction of all our chakras. you will be happy to know all of mine are spinning just fine. So...celebration is in order.

But the song that seems to me permeated all over my memory of the weekend is this one. I Feel It All. Deceptively happy.

Oh. In other news, finally got it together and cut off all my hair again.

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all, I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card in sight, wild card in sight

Oh I’ll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hope

Can I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest, I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk

Oh I’ll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hope

Can I love you more
I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I want to win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes we don't pull or flex
Put your weight against the door
Kick-drum on the basement floor
Stranded in the thought of woods
Looking like the winter bird
On my head the water pours
Cops stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away the one who want to make

I feel it all
I feel it all
The wings are wide
Wild card in sight, wild card in sight

Oh I’ll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it, though you started it
The truth, the lies
The truth, the lies

This is getting annoying

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 18:29:53 GMT

So...ever since Dane and I split up (the first time) and dancing along merrily ever since in our woefully idiotic Tim Gunn make-it-work-wait-there's-no-saving-it mode, a near constant stream of ex-boyfriends and lovers have taken up residency in my brain and WILL NOT LEAVE. It started out just being Paul, why I don't know, maybe because I am most curious about him now, and then Joe picked up speed, though probably just because I deal with Joe almost daily. And then Paul started getting weirder, and then Seth has started showing up in my head for lengthy periods of time and well, making himself comfortable cause he ain't goin' anywhere.

But last night, by far, is the weirdest, where I had a very very lifelike dream that Paul and I were hanging around at and across the street from his house and then managed to hop a shuttle to Mars to watch a neo, deco, post-modern bullshit documentary about Star Wars, with about fifteen other people from high school, including but not limited to Michael and Chase and others whose faces I cannot remember anymore. Then for some reason I hopped that shuttle bus back which now looked strangely like the monorail to have another text message fight with Dane, this time on earth, and saw on the news that everyone on Mars was going to die because the sun was going to move and they were all going to be toast. So I spent the rest of the dream going back to Mars to save everyone, but only managed to escape with Paul and then Mars sort of blew up as we were headed back down.

Oh yeah. Ben Folds was there too, rocking his piano on the Mars shuttle.

SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCK!

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how to casually, or not so casually, get them all out of my brain so I can go back to having normal walking-naked-in-Central-Park-to-see-the-John-Lennon-memorial dreams, please let me know.

My psyche and sleep requirement thanks you.

Mon, 28 May 2007 22:46:10 GMT

I was going to update my livejournal, but I think I shall nap instead.

Don't ask me what's going on with me and Dane, I do not know for certain yet.

Wed, 23 May 2007 06:33:43 GMT

So...I guess I should say something.

But everything seems to be from a long time ago, so I'm not quite sure what to say.

Oh yeah, I graduated from college. So now I really have no direction.

I figure I should settle down and find a job.

Dane and I seem to have broken up, but that doesn't seem to keep us from talking on the phone all the time and missing each other, let alone kissing. I have no idea.

Blah blah blah.

Summer plans? A job at some point to pay my phone bill, a trip to Portland in July (thinking of doing the Salt at some point), and lots of Ian shows if the fates allow.

See. That wasn't that exciting kids.

Startling Revelation

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 07:13:04 GMT

Why do these said revelations come so late at night? After thinking too hard.

The smell of film chemicals. Something I have always tied to Joe in my heart.

They don't remind me of Joe. They don't bring him to mind.

They remind me of Paul.
God, I wish I still knew him right now.

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 22:16:40 GMT

Not surprising that it only took a little good conversation with Doug to make me feel academically inclined again!

...So much to do...

Still sick, but feeling better than I have been...

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 06:22:27 GMT

Blah blah blah kids.

Don't know what to tell you all. Went to Boston and looked around and realized I was glad I didn't bother to apply to schools there because I don't want to move there at all. Future seems up in the air. No, don't want to talk about it. STFU.

My ipod died completely five minutes into my airplane trip to Boston. Went to the apple store in cambridge where I was officially announced as in hard drive failure. No more ipod. So I went a week, with my family, traveling, freaking out, without music. It hurt. But today JoAnn called me and offered to buy me a new one as my graduation present from UPS. So I traveled to Seattle and a brand new shiny black huge 80 gig ipod was purchased. Now...if only itunes seven would work on my computer, it would be worth it.

Things are sort of hurting my soul right now.

Was hoping that last night with Dane would put my soul right again. But even that seemed somehow contrived. I don't know what's going on. He said that I grew mean and defensive when I said I understood what a rotten egg smelled like and he assured me I didn't. I mean, WTF? Who hasn't smelled a rotten egg? I've smelled that, and fuck honey, I've smelled like that every day for months when I was working with sepia toner. Shut the fuck up. Funny to me how the smell of darkroom chemicals are such a turn on, how the idea of developer and film rooms, color darkrooms send shivers of anticipation through my spine, and how walking into the darkroom and smelling the rankness of it only manages to somehow make me more aware. not that i'm saying that the smell of rotten eggs is one I seek out, by sepia toner...reminds me...

Portland didn't do for my soul what it usually does. Maybe just cause it's winter there still. Or maybe just because Portland has remained exactly the same and I seem to have moved past it. Seth even smells the same, smiles the same, and I can't seem to want to be back there.

So oh well. Here's to not really caring.

Ian, I love you.
don't look back til I'm gone

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 21:03:18 GMT

It was pain, sunny days and rain,
I knew you'd feel the same thing...

Everybody knows it hurts to grow up,
And everybody does,
It's so weird to be back here,
And let me tell you what,
The years go on,
And we're still fighting it,
We're still fighting it,
Oh, we're still fighting it,
We're still fighting it.

And your so much like me,
I'm sorry...

Happy Birthday

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 07:09:34 GMT

These lyrics have been here before. Different meaning, different time, same man.
As usual.

What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glory random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thing about my old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go anywhere?

Here I stand,
Sad and free
I can't cry and I can't see
What I've done
God...What have I done

So don't you know I'm numb, man
No I don't feel a thing at all
Cause its all smiles and business these days
and I am indifferent to the loss
I've faith that there's a soul
whose leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down...

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
it evaporated...see?

Blind man on a canyon's edge
of a Panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite
That's flying high & random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home
They think I've lost my mind.

Crazy Weekend

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 16:16:42 GMT

So...I'm in Shoreline, and it's a little nuts.

I left Tacoma yesterday at 3:15 to come home. Thinking I was going to be bored on the bus for a few hours since my ipod was sad, I had resigned myself to calmly staring out the window for a few hours. But as I was standing in downtown Tacoma waiting for the bus to take me up to Seattle, this guy walked by me and said "hey" and I said, "hi" and then I realized I knew him. His name is Dan and he works nights at the Met Market, and Dane and I sat and had a hour or so long conversation with him a week ago at two am. So we got to talking and we talked all the way up to downtown Seattle. He is exactly six months older than I am, which is a little weird. Anyway - incredibly nice guy and not totally uncute either so it was a good ride up to Seattle.

I then traveled up to University Village and met David, my brother's old roommate from college, since he sold me my ipod and we went to the genius bar at the apple store and they made my sad ipod happy once more! Fab! It took the guy two minutes! Amazing! And David is a bit of a charmer too. So sweet. Such a dork. Then I went home for a bit and then floated around there and ate a spoonful of cookie dough and then went to Charmaine's house and ate half a burrito from the helix and then watched Little Miss Sunshine, which is still funny the second time around, if anyone cares.

Anyway - I have to go get ready to go because I am traveling up to Whidbey Island to hang out with Joe and company for the weekend, which is going to be crazy, considering we were going to go hiking and shooting today and now it's pouring. Oh well. Great...ferries, just what I need.

Remember, I have a thing for ferry boats.

Tomorrow - Ian show. Alexis Hotel 12:00. Free - first 100 people. Live from the Mountain Music Lounge! Then back to Tacoma.

Bye kids.